As the Synod on Marriage and Family continues, so do the debates over the question of communion for divorced and remarried couples. Unfortunately, the two sides seem to be categorized as “letter of the law rule enforcing” on the one hand and “merciful” on the other. What these characterizations fail to explain, however, is that “the rules” concerning Communion (which are unlikely to change) are already merciful, and adhering to them will ultimately bring men and women happiness.

Cardinal Kasper has stated a number of times—and I agree—that there are many irregular family situations that call for the compassion of the Church. Spouses have left abusive situations and divorced for the protection of their children. Couples have been unable to reconcile for any number of reasons and we want them to be able to find authentic happiness.

The question that remains, though, is whether happiness is to be found in second marriages outside of the Church. What those in the self-defined “mercy” camp are proposing is that the Church should acknowledge that situations are not always perfect and that remarried couples may be doing the best they can under the circumstances. While not ideal, they say, receiving communion is a spiritual medicine that may help these men and women to live lives of greater holiness and go a long way to reestablish their ties with the Church.

And yet, while those who want to invite these couples to Communion may have the best of intentions, it is, in fact, only detrimental to them. That Jesus is “the Way, the Truth, and the Light” is an oft-repeated passage of the Bible for a reason. He gave us the Sacrament of Marriage for a reason, and those men and women in second marriages do not have a valid marriage. When we receive Communion and say “Amen”, we are affirming what the Church teaches as well as saying that we are free from mortal sin.

To sugar coat the truth and pretend that engaging in sexual relations in a second marriage without receiving an annulment first (however permanent and loving the union may be) is not a sin, is a disservice. By this action, the Church would be encouraging people to present themselves for Communion despite an intentional rejection of the Church’s teaching of marriage. In addition, the poorly catechized might never learn of the Church’s teaching on marriage if this practice were promoted.

What, then, would true compassion look like for those who have been through divorce?

First and foremost, we need a more comprehensive understanding of the annulment process by the Church as a whole, particularly by her priests. Many divorced people may never have been in a valid marriage. By going through the annulment process, the man or woman may not only be free to marry again, but also come to a deeper understanding of what impediments there were in their first marriage. Through this understanding and the counsel of those in the diocesan tribunal, a person may be better prepared to enter into a valid marriage as well as begin to heal from any wounds incurred by a previous union.

Second, it is important that we “Judge not”—not by suggesting everyone receive Communion, but by fostering a greater understanding of the woundedness of our culture. Being in the state of grace and able to receive Communion is a blessing to which we should all aspire through frequent Confession, but it is not a given. Many of us may refrain from receiving the Eucharist for a variety of reasons. Whether a person forgot to fast before Mass, did not make it to Confession in time to confess a serious sin, or is divorced and remarried, they should be able to kneel quietly during Communion without incurring the judgment or stares of others. In fact, it is not the divorced and remarried, but all of us who should cultivate a deeper respect for the Eucharist, only receiving when we are prepared to do so.

Third, there should be a place in the Church for those who are divorced. I have often heard the complaint that there are young adult groups and there are activities for those who are married, but there is little for the single person who is no longer in their twenties. The Church is home to everyone and a person who is divorced—perhaps seeking an annulment or maybe striving to remain celibate given a previous valid marriage—should find a community within her walls. This community may take the form of a group particularly for divorced Catholics (as exists in some dioceses) or maybe there are simply events and activities that are truly inclusive of all adults, regardless of marital status.

It is not always easy to be Catholic, but that does not mean we should fudge the Truth in the name of our version of compassion. By upholding the sanctity of marriage, as well as being truly loving towards those who have suffered through a divorce, we have the opportunity to be instruments of true healing and a life lived in communion with Christ.

Caitlin Bootsma is the editor of Human Life International’s Truth and Charity Forum. Mrs. Bootsma received a Licentiate in Catholic Social Communications at the Pontifical University of the Holy Cross in Rome as well as a Master’s of Systematic Theology from Notre Dame Graduate School of Christendom College. She lives in Richmond, Virginia with her husband and two sons.

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