In the past week, Pope Francis has shared so many important messages with the world. One of the most critical messages was made at the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia. In Cardinal Sean O’Malley’s words, “together we want to dream of a world where the beauty of family life attracts people to make a gift of themselves in marriage to build a domestic church that will continue to build a civilization of love.”
An elderly man who was married for 50 years commented, “Marriage is a bed of roses; thorns and all!”
I feel honored to tell people that I have been married over forty years. I feel like I’ve found the key to a good marriage. My situation is unique in that my husband has been coping with health issues for over thirty years. This has made for some interesting challenges for us, but they are challenges we have learned to manage and accept. I do feel pretty strongly that marriage is a commitment you make that includes loving your spouse regardless of what life brings, respecting each other even when you are not in agreement and establishing a true friendship through constant, visible communication. Having a relationship with God also helps. I believe that this is the core of what makes a strong positive marriage. I read something that says it best; “a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” (Megan McLaughlin).
Lately, politicians, ministers, evangelists; and of course, Pope Francis, are weighing in on what marriage means.
When you take a look at marriage and how we arrived at the current awareness of the meaning of marriage, it truly is a lesson in resilience. Stephanie Coontz, the writer of the book, Marriage a History from Obedience to Intimacy or How love Conquered Marriage makes some interesting observations. For example, she writes that for thousands of years the union of marriage between a man and a woman was based on economic status and politics within families. The idea that someone would choose to marry freely based on love was not culturally accepted until approximately 200 years ago. Primarily influenced by the western world, America and Europe, It was considered irresponsible to marry for love. Up until that time, most married couples were expected to foster a relationship based on male dominance and female subordination. Wife beating was not uncommon because men had the right to do it and adultery was considered acceptable. Marriage certainly began to transition into a more equal partnership. However, even as late as 1970 many states still had “head and master” laws, giving the husband final say in family life.
Today, marriage has evolved into a much different union. In today’s culture, marriage is considered more fair and respectful. Coontz goes on to say that “The ability to negotiate and mold the relationship so that it meets the needs of both partners makes a marriage when it works, more fulfilling and loving and passionate than in the past; but the same things that make it possible to negotiate and change, make it possible to not enter marriage at all or leave marriage when it doesn’t meet expectations.”
When you enter into matrimony it needs to be more than just the ceremony. It comes with responsibilities for both the husband and wife. It should be a contract of commitment. Pope Francis has spoken about a Christian marriage as being one of the most important unions in the Church. In his words, “All Christians are called to love each other like Christ loves them’ and to be at the service of each other. But the love between a husband and wife is given greater dignity when St. Paul says that the love between husband and wife reflects the love between Christ and his Church. Men and women courageous enough to carry this treasure in the ‘earthen vessels’ of our humanity, are an essential resource for the church and for the whole world. He added, “May God bless them a thousand times for this.”
Pope Francis goes on to discuss how much more marriage is than the ceremony and the flowers. It sets a foundation for family life.
I remember when I was very young telling my mother I would never marry. When I would say this to her, she would ask why I was so unwavering about this. I told her that sharing everything with another person didn’t appeal to me at all. I was just too independent. Growing up in a large Catholic family where everything was shared, I was determined to welcome independence with a vengeance.
I was married in 1974 when I was 24 years old. My husband had lost his wife and he brought with him two children. I not only had to learn to be a “sharing wife”, but I was given the responsibility of raising two children. We later had a third child, a daughter. I learned that marriage comes with so many more challenges when you have children. The irony here is, I embraced it all wholeheartedly. In the end, my mother just smiled her all-knowing smile, fairly certain this would happen.
The most important thing to realize is that marriage isn’t always going to be 50/50. In fact, it rarely is. Sometimes its 25/75. One person may be giving more than the other due to a given set of circumstances. This could involve illness, job demands, child care, financial difficulties; any number of things influences that number. It truly doesn’t matter. What matters is realizing that the reality of life even with God at the center doesn’t guarantee that everything is going to be easy. I can attest to the fact that even if it isn’t easy, it certainly is worthwhile. Having another person to share life’s challenges helps so much. “To find someone who will love you for no one reason, than to shower that person with reasons; that is ultimate happiness.”(Robert Brault). Cardinal O’Malley goes on to say, “In God’s plan, the family is the school of love where we learn to make a gift of ourselves. Marriage in God’s plan is to be the sanctuary of love.”
Catherine Mendenhall-Baugh (Cathy) completed her education at the University of Nebraska majoring in Special Education and minoring in English Literature and now works in the insurance industry. A mother and a grandmother, Cathy grew up in a large Catholic family and as spent the last 30 years as a caregiver for her husband, Jack. A writer for Tuscany Press, she is also working on several longer writing projects.
