When we spend a significant period of time with our family or old friends from the past, an interesting psychological mechanism known as regression can take hold. Christmas and the holidays are a high season for regression, and while this may not be the full-blown regressive defense mechanism that Freud speaks of, it still has an effect on anyone who has experienced this behavior. We can all identify with our own experiences: the adult son or daughter begins to talk back as if they are sixteen again, the grown siblings continue to perpetuate sibling roles and compete for the family’s attention, parents can be tempted to reprimand or guide their children with an authority no longer wanted. And after all, opening presents under the tree full of childhood ornaments still has a similar thrill to that of when we were six years old.
With our old friends and acquaintances of the past, we can easily slip back into the role of the insecure, identity-seeking teenager: trying to win approval or one-up those around us. As frustrating as this is, and as difficult as it is to understand the reason that this happens, we are left with a desire break out of the pattern. After all, I am a mature adult with my own sense of individual identity, right?
We can be shocked and even discouraged at how quickly we regress, despite our growing experiences, accomplishments and increasing psychological maturity. Suddenly, we assume our old parts and play out our old stories. Revisiting old relationships as we move from adult-child relationships to adult-adult interaction can be challenging to many. This is a learning process for many members of the family as the children grow into adults and reconciling new perspectives is taking place. We have a desire to belong, and within the family the sense of belonging requires some level of conformity to the family’s idea of identity. What is this identity, first of all? And how does this identity change and develop over the years? Is this family identify I want to identify with?
The family is our first experience with the world and those around us. It is the first place that we experience love and loss, hurt and triumph, success and failure. What happens in family life will greatly affect the way in which we handle life challenges and opportunities in the future. Everyone agrees that your family affects you, both in positive and negative ways. The home is the basic school of human enrichment and training of the body: emotions, reason, will and relationships are all forming in the early stages of life. Additionally, this is the place for beginning spiritual growth, learning the virtues, self-giving, sacrifice and sacraments. It is “the cradle of life and love”, as John Paul II says. In Familiaris Consortio, he points out “Each family finds within itself a summons that cannot be ignored, and that specifies both its dignity and its responsibility: family, become what you are.” What is the family supposed to become? At best, it is challenging to see past the dysfunction and idiosyncrasies that exist due to our fallen nature and lack of virtue, and work toward the sanctification of humanity.
Have you ever heard of St. Eugene de Mazenod? In addition to being the founder of the Oblates of Mary Immaculate, he is the patron saint of dysfunctional families. He grew up with parents and extended relatives that were fighting constantly and ended up divorcing, which was rare for the 19th century France. He spent the rest of his life serving the poorest of the poor and founding a community to care for those less fortunate. What lesson can we take from St. Eugene? Conflict and tension in families exist. Brokenness exists. There is always the ideal to work toward, but many times the unrealistic expectations and stereotypical perfect family can get in the way of living out our mission to love and serve those around us, including our own family members. We can be so caught up in our own feelings and sentiments that we can lose sight of how others are feeling around us. At a moment in history in which the family is the object of countless forces that are seeking to destroy or distort family life, we must continue to grow our awareness that the well being of society is directly tied to the well being of the family. There is beauty in the imperfections of the daily life. That means there is room to grow, room to love and room to serve.
What is important to know when faced with the feeling of regression? Not all regression is a bad thing. Enjoying your mother’s home cooked meals and spending endless nights playing games and challenging your siblings in an unmatched feat is not detrimental. Being mindful of when and why you are feeling like a child is helpful in uncovering what is beneath. If you notice yourself continually feeling and presenting as younger, take the time to reflect on what particular needs you are still trying to satisfy. Am I continuing to search for approval? How old do I feel? There is the possibility to be feeling the symptoms of unresolved emotional and family issues. But most importantly, how can I move toward a greater self-gift with my family, remembering that those around me may be experiencing similar sentiments and could be looking for the opportunity to break out of the well-formed habits of childhood. After all, sanctification belongs first in the family.
Jessie Tappel, M.S., graduated from the Institute for the Psychological Sciences and now serves as a clinician for Catholic Charities in the Diocese of Arlington as well as the Director for Communications for IPS, a Catholic graduate school for psychology. She is passionate about educating on issues related to Catholicism and Mental Health.
